dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize