listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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