he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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