I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
