how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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