i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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