You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
