You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
