True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
