i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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