remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
