i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
two words...techno handjob
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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