I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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