hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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