I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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