Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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