Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
