My pussy is not your playground.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
