I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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