She is in my trunk
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
