I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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