I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
