I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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