Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize