yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
