Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A+ Viking dick
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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