the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
