guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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