So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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