Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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