paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
