At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize