Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
