Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize