Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
