My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize