woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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