her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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