worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
