We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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