i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
