She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
