My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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