Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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