Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
