im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
