Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
