What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
