Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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