Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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