My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
