Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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