If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
