When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
