Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
