every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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