hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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