All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
