I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
