chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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